The past 2 weeks have been a mess and for no other reason then me being lazy….or comfortable….I guess. George & I have had scheduling issues so I have missed 3 sessions with him, I got sick and I had/have so much on my plate with moving, Open House, Banquet, Bestie’s BDay and the Baby Shower that I totally put myself on the back burner and to say I was stressed and burned out is putting it lightly. All of that plus working full time and being a sinlge mom……..I wanted a break……

I think the issue here is that I really need to address my relationship with food. All the meal plan and excercise can’t fix why food is my go to comfort in times of stress loneliness and boredom. All last week I was virtually not on my meal plan at all. I ran out of protein shakes and ate taco bell and pizza and donuts and french fries. And at one point I did sit on my couch and cry and poor B didn’t know what to do or say. I am REALLY happy with my results, and even after 2 weeks of total slacking off I still fit into another smaller size jeans – so I am down 2 pants sizes now from when I started. I do feel really guilty about the last 2 weeks. I am not happy about my behavior and seeing the scale go up this morning, well of course it went up. I totally slacked off. Maybe I figured I’ve worked so hard I could take a little break, but I can’t. I saw how easy it was for me to just get comfortable and slip right back into my old habits. It sucked. But it was like well I’ve already slacked off so much whats another day…..or 2….or 3….and when you are sick, well I didn’t want to cook or eat green beans. I wanted ice cream and mashed potatoes and orange juice!

Friday night we went out for Christy’s BDay and a friend asked me how I as doing. I told her I was down 30 pounds but that last 2 weeks I totally slacked off. She then said “Laurel, you have until Monday and then I am going to be calling you. 30 pounds is huge and don’t make it all for nothing.” And she was right. That isn’t the life I want. I also met a friend of Casey’s – this tall gorgeous man…..but I am invisible. I am the fat friend and nothing more, just a handshake and a smile and the courteous “nice to meet you” and that’s it, that’s all it well ever be if I stay where I am now. I am over that. I am SO over that. I felt amazing Friday night in my smaller size jeans, and smaller size Tee, and amazing shoes & hair and make-up……but yet still….totally invisible……It’s a horrible feeling.

So it feels like I am starting all over, and I am. I know there are going to be bad days….but bad weeks, well that is unacceptable. I feel like I owe George an apology. I owe myself an apology. I owe myself answers and resoltions. I really thought I had gone far enough that a total break down wasn’t even possible, that I was strong enough and comitted enough to avoid that…..but I wasn’t. Just a reminder that this is about changing my life and making the choice every single day to take care of myself, my health, my heart, my happiness and my future. But I can’t cling to the past 2 weeks….I have to let them go and re-committ to myself.

 

Today is Day 1……