I guess before I get into that maybe I should talk about why I find my single today –

There were 3 significant relationships in my life thus far – My “first love”, B’s Dad and Willy.

Brian was literally the boy next door, well the boy around the corner and 1 door down. Our families were friends and we spent tons of time together on vacations and in the neighborhood and had a great time growing up. I don’t know how it happened but things between Brian and I changed over the course of time. Brian and I spent a few years off and on and he will always be my “first love” – they call it a first love for a reason right? I credit Brian with alot and to this day whenever I hear Prince, Led Zeppelin, George Clinton or XTreme I am taken back in time to. He is also where I got B’s name. I am not sure he ever forgave me for that or how he felt about that. Brian is now married to one of my childhood best friends and they are happy with a beautiful daughter and a wonderful life. I am very happy for the both of them. I was far too immature in high school and struggling with my parents divorce as a Senior to ever be what Brian needed me to be.

Then was B’s Dad….I had just graduated High School, adjusting to the new life of living with my Mom who was off finding herself after the divorce and I was hanging out with not the best group of kids. Looking back I realize now how lost I was but didn’t know it then. I met him at a friends house one night, he was a friend of the guy who rented a room at my friend’s house. Anyway – I knew he was trouble, tattoo’s and a bad attitude. But nonetheless somehow we ended up together and before I knew it I was pregnant, before I even had a chance to really know him. My dad says he knew from the very 1st time he met him that this was bad idea. He was controlling, jealous and insecure and playing off the immaturity of a 19 year old. I ended up moving in with him shortly after B was born, against the advice of my family, and it all went down hill from there. At one point I was working 3 jobs while he would sit at home and drink beer and get high. Our relationship grew more abusive over time and finally after he got wasted at a family party and beat up one of my Mom’s friends and the cops came and he ran, well that was just the final straw. B and I moved in with my Mom, but his actions didn’t stop. I ended up having to file a restraining order against him from the harassment I would receive at work and home. It breaks my heart every single day that this is the man B has to call “Dad” (I use that term in the loosest sense) – Over the years he has provided little to no financial support yet continued to have 5 more children, yes B is 1 of 6. Aside from the financial support he provides less emotional and physical support to her. With his constant need for attention and assurance his relationship with her is so skewed and sad, he feeds off making her feel guilty, it’s like the only card he has to play. I hate that my daughter will never had a dad to help her buy a house, volutneer at Girl Scout Olympics, install drawers in her kitchen and teach her how to BBQ. She deserves that and he is missing out on so much not being move involved in her life. She has her flaws, what 14 year old girl doesn’t, but she is the reason I live and breathe and seeing her smile every day and having her crawl into bed with my to watch Vanderpump Rules, well those are the best moments of my day.

When B was 6 we were living in a Condo in Yorba Linda with my friend Meagan, the people next door became our friends and that is how I met Willy. Willy and I spent 9 years together and during these 9 years everything changed. I had just started to put weight on, and looking back I realize now that it was probably attributed to the guilt I was already carrying around with me. Meagan moved out and Willy moved in about 6 months after we started dating. We fell for each other fast. When my life apart about a year into our relationship he stood by me without hesitation. We moved in with his parents while we could the pieces back together and we lived there for about 3 years. I was itching for a change and wanted to get out of SoCal – I wanted to buy a home and start over, he didn’t want to. An opportunity came up to move to San Diego and I jumped, I wasn’t sure where that would leave us, but I knew I needed the change, this was the fresh start I needed and craved. Willy wasn’t so fast to agree, and we actually broke-up….for one day. He called and said the night sleeping alone was the worst feeling and he did not want to be without B or I and he would figure it out and move to SD. B and I moved to SD in June and he followed in September. We tried hard to make a life together but he never wanted to get married and he was content sitting on the couch getting high and I wanted more, but I sat home with him and the pounds kept adding up. Willy had a great heart, he is a good man, he is not a very responsible man and did not want the same things for our future as I did but he stood by me when I needed him to and he loved me exactly as I was. How could I leave him?? Once we moved to SD our relationship grew less and less intimate, I really started to resent him and the financial mess he had gotten himself into and how he just avoided things rather than dealing with them. I had just rebuilt my entire life, why couldn’t he follow suit so we could have a future? He wasn’t happy either, but I don’t know why he stayed, he could have easily up and left and gone back to his friends and family on OC. When I decided to buy a house I had hoped that this was the ultimate gesture about my commitment to him, us, our little family and that he would start taking quick action to get his life on track so we could walk down the aisle. He didn’t. He didn’t even take one step over the course of the 6 months we were in the house together and one day I just came home and said you need to move out, and he did. The last 4 years or so of our relationship we were roommates, most nights he would sleep on the couch and I shuttered at the thought of intimacy with him. I just resented him.

So here I am, it’s been almost a year now that I’ve been single and have had ZERO interest in dating, I mean I am so unhappy with myself and my body and ugh, who would want to date me anyway…….

I’ve had this friend, Abe, and we have always just been friends, had a great time when we would spend time together socially. He was a friend of a friend I had when I moved to SD, I have since lost touch with her, but not him. He would randomly check in on me and make see how I was doing. The past few times I had seen him though there was this air of flirtation……what….could it be…. NO WAY. I didn’t believe it, not for a second and then last week he took me out to dinner. Don’t get me wrong, there is no possibility of a future but it is nice to feel this way again…..I still had a hard time believing that this guy could actually like me, I mean GROSS! But as my Bestie says “Duh, you’re awesome” – LOL. The thought of being intimate with someone freaks me out – and I am not talking sex – I mean I haven’t held someone elses’ hand or kissed anyone other than Willy in 10 years! Crap, what would that be like, not ready for that. I am so not ready for that. Dating in it of itself is hard enough after 10 years and then all my own insecurities on top of that, dude I’m a mess!! But nonetheless we went to dinner and had a nice time, and he held my hand and wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked to the car (shocking he could even find my waist) and opened the door for me….what the heck is happening here??? Ok well thanks – that was fun – see you around……and then he wants to take me out again the following week. So we went out again Friday night for a quick drink and I had a great time. I was so comfortable with him, we laughed and shared stories and I brought him up to speed with my journey to which he was super supportive of and said “let me know when you want to hike cowles mountain” and blah blah blah. I was still sitting there thinking this just isn’t possible, I don’t understand this but I am going to go with it. He wouldn’t be here 2 weeks in a row if he didn’t care for me on some level.

So anyway – it’s dipping my toe in the pool for now. I don’t see this going anywhere and that’s ok, it’s not what I need right now anyway but it is helping add to my confidence level and remind me that I don’t ever want to feel so insecure about myself again and that when the time is right and I am ready to start dating again that I will be in a good place mentally and physically and can be open to love again. But I have to love myself first, not despise myself.

And in other news, I woke up Saturday with a sore throat and battling a cold, so Coach George and I didn’t train, he told me to rest and drink lots of fluids. And then Sunday things just happened and we were not able to get together to purge the pantry and fridge with Coach David……so stay tuned for more on that…….I am meeting up with Heather tonight and then a quick meeting with Coach David at Alliance to get my introduced the diet plan so I can start on my own before we are get together this weekend.