I donâ€™t know what happened last night but the euphoria ended and I was smacked in the face with exhaustion and a plate of food I didn't want to eat, I wasn't hungry and I was sick of that meal. Even B commented on it, â€œWhatâ€™s wrong Mom, why are you so tiredâ€ â€“ I was tired and I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to eat and I was pissed ay my knee and my foot that were in pain again last night as I was on the treadmill. Pissed and Mad and Bummed that my body isn't caught up with my heart and mind and that I want this so bad but itâ€™s becoming more and more challenging. And I tried again to sit down and eat and I couldn't. I even have been taking my food out of my little tupperware and putting it on a real plate with a real fork thinking that maybe that will make it more enticing, but Iâ€™m not hungry.
I went up to bed a little sad and a little frustrated and what do you know, just as I laid down I got a text from Jamie asking how I was doing and saying sheâ€™s so proud of me and sheâ€™s following my posts and photoâ€™s and Iâ€™m doing a great job. And sheâ€™s not the only one. I had been exchanging some FB messages and eMails with a family friend who is also on a journey but keeping hers private for now but that I was really helping her get through her days and she was finding inspiration and motivation from me. Then I also get a text from a friend, who I would hands down say is one of the most incredible people I know, she is so young but so mature beyond her years. She is someone who when I met for the 1st time made me feel so welcome. She just accepts people for who they are and I find her to be so strong and incredible. She is a young newly married mom who is incredible shape yet she is still not happy with her own body (even though most of us would kill to look like her) but she is also finding my story touching and inspiring and she decided she was going to make time for herself and get herself to where she wants to be. We all have issues, we all have things we aren't happy with about ourselves, regardless of what others see in us.
So here I lay in bed feeling bleh and sad and Jamie and I share a few texts back and forth. It was so weird, I havenâ€™t talked to her much in the past couple of weeks, as she has been injured, but she 100% reached out to me at my weakest moment in the past 10 days.
I also got a call from another friend this morning to tell me she was proud of me taking the long hard way about this, she had gastric bypass and believe I wanted to do that too, but this is what I need to do. She reminded me that right now, about the 3 week mark is when she has always (as I have) thrown in the towel and that if I could just push through this hump I would be ok. And she is right. I havenâ€™t even invested in myself for more than a few weeks. And Jamie said almost the exact same thing â€“ letâ€™s give it another week before we re-evaluate things. I know they are all right, and when I was on the phone this morning she (as have many others) asked what I can do to â€œtweakâ€ my meal plan, and to that I say, nothing right now. Maybe after I get into the habit of actually prepping and portioning and making that a habit I can consider venturing a little on my plan, but for now I am sticking to it even when I donâ€™t want to. I think I can see now why â€œCheat Dayâ€ is so important and from now on, I am going to not try to be strong and not allow myself my cheat. I will cheat responsibly, I mean I actually want a turkey sandwich, so that is what I am going to have on Sunday.
Itâ€™s just crazy to think that people are actually looking to me for strength and guidance and support and motivation and inspiration. Iâ€™m a mess â€“ LOL -
Well canâ€™t wait to see George tonight â€“ I know he will be able to kick my ass enough and snap me out of this slump and I am super excited about Palm Springs. I am so looking forward to a long walk in the sunshine and maybe having the distraction of cheer and not just focusing on food and exercise will be the break I need. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I am packing all my food and doing the right thing all weekend, but a little cheer gossip and some glitter never hurt right?